The Alcohol Diaries: Virgin

High school was fun. I think the illegal factor is what makes drinking so alluring and crazy as a minor. The first time I got drunk on burh (beer) was at a high school party the summer after my senior year. Lots of dudes and chicks with promiscuous friends were in attendance. Everyone getting last supper schwasted within 20 minutes of the party starting. Those were the days. Still a relative rookie to drinking, I tried to pace myself by sippin’ on a burh and playing a delightful game of beer pong on the kitchen island. Kitchen island beer pong is so #highschool.


One of my friends brought a new girl to this party who seemed a little extra friendly towards yours truly, so we played a few games of beer pong together as partners. Like most high school girls she didn’t drink gross burh, so I had to drink everything. She had already done many shots though so it wasn’t like I was alone in my progressive drunken stupor. Eventually the booze started to hit her pretty hard too and she was falling over, so like a kind gentlesir I sat m’lady down on the couch in the next room. As soon as our asses hit the chair she ate my face and we proceeded to make out in front of 20 other drunk high schoolers. I was still a virgin so no fucks were given that night (figurative fucks, real fucks were about to be had).



I thought about not making out with this mostly stranger for a second, but all of my friends were literally cheering me on so I was like “fuckkkkk itttttttt.” After five minutes we decided to take things further and the host kindly showed me to his little brother’s room. Things were getting hot and heavy obvi (I’m using Jersey Shore vernacular because we did that ironically back then) but something was going terribly wrong. I was finally going to get laid and I was as rude boyin’ like crazy. For those not in the know, a rude boy is a dude who is too drunk to get his dick up and have sex (go listen to the Rihanna song again now). Given the situation I did everything I could to put on the best blurry drunken sex performance I could. It did not help that this girl had porn lines pouring out of her mouth literally the entire time. Phrases like “Oooh you’re so big” had me cringing and just made the shitty situation I was in even harder to deal with. I was neither hard nor big that day though. Sigh. My job was only made even more difficult by the dozen or so “friends” of mine banging on the door and cheering me on from outside. I fought through the adversity because sex, and finished m’lady off like a gentlesir with my magic finger bangin’ skills and we left the room.


She went to a free couch to pass out and a minute later threw up all over it and the floor. She retreated to a bathroom after that and a collective cleaning force already working on other throw up messes moved on to the next disaster. As the night went on I relayed my laughable sexcapades and gave my thanks to Based God that I did not get thrown up on by this hot mess of a sloppy ass bitch. She ended up not remembering anything from that night including me. Awesome. I think I liked it better that way really. Despite all the cringe and public humiliation of that night I felt relieved to finally lose my V card. In summation – doesn’t matter had sex.



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