Most of us have experienced this terrible situation. You are driving along, minding your own business, when, suddenly, the red lights of death flash in your rear view mirror, and your stomach slowly drops as you begin to feel a cold sweat dripping down your neck. Yes, you’re getting pulled over.
Nobody enjoys getting pulled over, unless you have some weird fetish for men in uniform. (But, if that’s the case, you might be better off trying West Point…not your local police station.) It doesn’t really matter whether you’re in violation because of speeding, swerving across lanes, or driving while you’re hammered drunk. The fact is, you’re an awful driver. There are some things that you should NEVER do when you have an encounter with a police officer. (Like, ever.)
Crack A Joke About Police Officers
Yeah… one would assume that this is common sense. But, honestly, if a cop walks up to your window, the last thing he (or she) wants to hear is something along the lines of “Hey, knock knock…” or “Did you hear the one about the cop and the doughnut shop?” No. Just NO. You are seriously preparing yourself to be given a hefty fine, regardless of how much you attempt to sweet talk, or push up your boobs. Hey, speaking of that….
Attempt To Seduce The Police Officer
Girls, we all know that when the lights start flashing, it’s time to perk up the gals. However, there is definitely a limit on how far you should flirt with the officer. If it’s a female cop, you should probably just be respectful and cover them up (Like, nun style). If it’s a male (and, yes, this may be unfair to guys that get pulled over), then you need to look like you are a Victoria’s Secret model who is fresh off the runway. Be funny, be polite, but don’t, I repeat, DON’T attempt to SEDUCE him. The second you pull out some suggestive fuzzy hand cuffs, he will most likely pull out his rusty metal ones…not to be used for a kinky purpose. We all have heard of the occasional videos of officers hooking up with people that they pull over, but, let’s face it… there is a reason why those are only seen on “World’s Dumbest.” So, it’d probably be best to avoid asking the cop if he’d like to make a video with his dash cam, if you know what I mean.
“Ohhh muuhhh gawwddd, I didn’t even know I was going 90 in a school zone. Whoopsies! I won’t do it again!” …If you do this one, you’re the reason why some officers hate their jobs. If you use this excuse, you honestly should not be allowed to drive. If you know you did something wrong, admit it. If you don’t, this cop is going to tell you that you’ve done something wrong anyway, so you might as well ‘fess up. If you’re asked to walk a straight line, or sing the alphabet, you better (A.) sober the hell up, and (B.) not break out in MC Hammer’s ‘You Can’t Touch This’ dance. If you being drunk was in question, the answer at this point would be “DEFINITELY.” So, if you’re drunk, it may be better to at least try and act the slightest bit sober. A person acting stupid only tells the cop that this dude “has gots tah go” (As heard best by Bonquiqui).
RUN, FOREST, RUN.
So, you’re being pulled over, and the first thought that comes to your mind is “My name is Flash Gordon. I can out-run this dude.” Slap yourself. Slap yourself very hard, because you’re an absolute moron. Running from a cop is one of the dumbest decisions a person could ever make. You’re going to be found at some point, unless you happen to own a cloak of invisibility…but I highly doubt Harry Potter would just toss his out for anyone to use. You’re better off just trying to flirt or sweet talk, because, hey, you might be able to at least amuse the guy enough to make him give you a little less hefty of a fine.
Next time you see red and blue flashing behind you, REMEMBER THESE! I promise you, they will come in handy! Don’t be the next to end up on “World’s Dumbest.”