You probably couldn’t give two bird shits about a bunch of dumb birds, but has anyone ever told you that you are lame and have dumb opinions.  Birds are way more fucking awesome than you.  Do you even lift bro?1

Here, watch these badass birds fighting in slo-mo.

Birds are natural badasses, and sometimes they fight each other to see who the biggest badass is that gets to bang all the hot chicks.  Ducks sometimes fight nesting birds so they can sneak their own eggs into another’s nest.  They have to dump those kids because kids suuuuuck.  Sometimes birds fight just because the other bird has a cool stick it wants for like nesting and shit.  That bird could just take like two seconds to go find another stick, but no.  You would never fight a dude over a stick, but birds don’t give a fuck, they’re tougher than you.

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(Kingfisher not giving a fuck)

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Birds are fucking smart as shit, too.  The Yellow-rumped Thornbill makes a dummy nest to throw off assholes trying to jack his swag.  Crows drop nuts into city traffic so cars will run over them and break them open.  Then, because they are so fucking extreme, they run into that traffic to go eat it.  You probably crack your nuts like a pussy.  The Vogelkop Bowerbird is a fucking artist and he designs a hut big enough for a person to fit into with berries, bug parts, and flowers and shit.  He does all that just to get laid.  Canaries can sing over 300 songs trying to get laid.  Some birds form little boy-bands to try and get groupies to come bang them.  You’re probably too beta to even sing a chick a song, bro.

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Kiwis are especially crazy.  They lay eggs as large as their entire bodies.  If your uterus was that big, you would mostly be a uterus and no one would date you.  Another flightless bird, the ostrich eats rocks to help digest its food because they are tough as shit.  You probably eat gross Fiber One cereal like a bitch.

Some birds have funny names like the Blue-footed Booby, or the Great Tit, or the Red-rumped Parrot.

Fuckin’ birds.  They’re cooler than you.