I’m sad to say that the following story isn’t one of my own, but when I heard it, I found it so bizarre that I had to tell everyone somehow. I heard this funny story while I was sitting and eating with one of my roommates, and, although I won’t be able to do the account justice, I was laughing my head off. My roommate began by telling me that after college, one of her sister’s good friends decided to uproot her life, and move to New York for a taste of the fast life. We will refer to this person as “Jane” for lack of knowing her actual name.

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While Jane was enjoying New York City, and becoming accustomed to the cultures in her new home, she began to notice that her toilet paper source was depleting as quickly as it did when she lived with a roommate back in Texas. The problem here was that she was living alone, and the toilet paper math was simply not adding up. At first, Jane thought nothing of it, simply assuming that she very well could have just been using as much toilet paper without realizing it. However, as time went on, and as she paid more attention to her bathroom habits, she began to realize something was a little fishy. She started to take note of how much toilet paper was in her bathroom when she left her apartment in the mornings by measuring to the exact centimeter how much toilet paper there was left on the roll. When she returned home at the end of the day, she noticed that the measurements really had changed, and that there was something, or someone affecting the amount of toilet paper in her bathroom. Panic began to take over Jane, because this meant that someone had to be using her restroom without her permission, and she began to question how and whom.

It wasn’t until a couple of months later when a nearby neighbor in her apartment complex asked her if she knew an older man that seemed to be homeless. When Jane replied saying that she did not, the neighbor calmly told her that she may want to alert the police, because there was a man sneaking in and out of her apartment almost every day. However, instead of panicking, Jane was firstly enthralled that she wasn’t crazy, and that her toilet paper source really was dwindling quickly. Jane simply went back to her apartment and searched the whole place, finally finding a middle aged homeless man sleeping underneath her bed. This is the part of the story that I had a very hard time wrapping my mind around, and I could not believe that this man had been living there, literally right under her nose. She politely asked the man how long he had been staying there, and asked him not to return, or she would call the police. She handed him some money and toilet paper, changed her locks on her door and windows, and carried on with her everyday routine. So, the moral of this story is that if you notice your toilet paper disappearing right before your very eyes, it is likely that there is a homeless man lurking under your bed, and they don’t have an app for that. 

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