kiss2

 

For many years now, I’ve had friends say “Gosh, that guy was such a great kisser. He really knew how to French.” And here I am, 20 years old, and I’ve never been a successful french kisser. Ever. I think I’ve only tried it a handful of times, and needless to say, it’s not my expertise. The first time a guy tried to launch his tongue down my throat, I ended up with slobber all over my oh-so-attractive brace face. It was 8th grade, my first kiss, midnight on New Years, blah blah blah. You get it. So romantic. Except, in all actuality, it was probably the farthest thing imaginable from Romantic. I’m thinking to myself, “if this is how kissing goes, then fuck that shit. I’ll stick to hugs.”

So again, here I am, three relationships down, with 10 or so boys that I’ve kissed, and I STILL don’t have this french kissing thing down. I see these movies where the couple goes to kiss, tongues out and ready, and it just looks so natural. Romantic, even. Is there something that I’m missing? Like, is there a secret book or rule that everyone is hiding from me? I’m not trying to be Rico Suave of the mouth, but I at least want to be better than a dog licking someone’s face.

I’ve tried. I really have. I mean, my last awkward “frenching” encounter started off fine, I suppose, until I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was getting a root canal with this guy’s tongue. I thought this was supposed to be romantic? WHAT THE HELL IS SO ROMANTIC ABOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH WITH YOUR TONGUE?! DO YOU LIKE MY LEFT OVERS THAT MUCH? Anyway, I even told the guy beforehand that I didn’t know what in the world I was supposed to do, or how to do it. What’s the goal you’re trying to accomplish there? Is it just a sword fight with your tongues? GAH.

Well, after years of frenchie failures, I figured I might as well look it up. I figure that I can’t be the only person who is completely lost when it comes to french kissing, right?

*cricket* *cricket*

Okay, cool. . .

Despite everyone being a professional french kisser…kiss-e…? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Despite everyone being a professional at that, I figure that I might as well give a little “how-to” on the matter. It can’t hurt, and by the end of it, you’ll be the frenchiest of all the french kissers. Guaranteed.

Step One:

So to start, you need another person.

That was pretty easy, right?

Right. Unless you’re me.

Step Two:

Get close to that person. French kissing is supposed to be romantic and intimate, so get close. Closer. Clooooser.

Good.

In this step, you can even do some intense eye gazing. However, please be aware of how you do this. You don’t want to stare like a porcelain doll, because those things are just creepy.

Step Three:

Tilt your heads in opposite directions, so that your noses don’t crash into one another. Bloody noses aren’t romantic, unless you’re dating Edward Cullen.

Oh, and feel free to close your eyes. It’s weird to have someone staring at you while kissing. I know, if this is a long time crush of yours, then this moment is probably a HUGE deal to you, and you want to watch it to make sure it’s really happening… BUT DON’T.

Okay, you can take a couple peeks here and there, but a full on stare while kissing will just creep them out.

Step Four:

On your marks, get set, KISS.

Slightly pucker your lips to show that you’re interested, but not enough to crush their face in with your almighty lips.

As you continue to kiss, begin to open your mouth just a tad bit more. If your kissing-mate is into it, and they want to continue, they’ll do the same.

Please, PLEASE, don’t engulf their face or even their nose. The rule of thumb here is to layer your lips – their lip, then my lip, their lip, then my lip. So, a lip sandwich, basically. With this, it makes it a little easier to move onto more advanced things such as biting their lower lip, and so forth.

Step Five:

Slowly begin to add some tongue to the equation. By slowly add, I mean you better not just flop your tongue into his or her mouth like a dead fish. Maybe do a little tongue-to-tongue touch, then retreat. See how the person reacts.

If they like it, try it again. Maybe move it around a little bit, as in lightly touching the back of their teeth with the tip of your tongue, or slightly moving your tongue around theirs.

CAUTION: DON’T MAKE YOUR TONGUE A DEAD FISH IN THEIR MOUTH, or I will personally come to wherever you are, and I will smack you. HARD.

Step Six: 

Continue to move your heads, so that it doesn’t get boring. Also, take a breath every now and then. Just pull back for a second, smile, look them in the eyes, sneak a breaaa… okay, and you’re back at it again.

If taking a break isn’t your thing, try breathing through your nose. However, it’s not very pleasant to be on the receiving end of an exhale, so breath in AND breath out through your nose.

Step Seven: 

If things are really getting hot and heavy, move your hands around. Caress their face, put your hand around their waist, move your hand(s) around the back of their neck – whatever works for you. Be mindful of this person, though, and whatever personal boundaries they may have.

Step Eight: 

YOU DID IT. GOOD JOB, CHAMP.

Now, only if I could get these steps down….