Every once in a while I’ll come across a person who chooses not to believe in evolution or the big bang theory or any other scientific principle that has been taught to us since like fourth grade. I love those worn out excuses of that’s just a “theory”, or that’s just your “opinion”, or any other literally psychotic scapegoat of an excuse to keep living in some fantastical fairy world where theories like “gravity” and “evolution” just don’t exist, apparently. Next time I float into space I’ll remind myself that gravity (LIKE IT’S EVEN REAL) is just a stupid, dumb, poopy, made-up theory.

I guess you could say I am pretty serious about science and shit because I have been teaching it on a college level for over three years and do cancer research, but science is really important for everyone. When you shove a greasy, enormous hamburger in your stupid, fat face and it then turns into more fat on your gross face; that is fucking science. Whenever you hit yourself in the nuts with a baseball bat for subscriptions to your life-sucking, waste-of-time Youtube channel, and then take ibuprofen to relieve the pain; that is fucking science. Literally fucking everything is fucking science. The only reason you are even alive or not in a wheelchair right now is because some people in this world actually understand how insanely fucking crazy important this science shit is and give just enough of a shit to work their entire lives to make sure yours is spent doing whatever the hell you want; including hitting yourself in the nuts for Youtube views. So whenever ignant ass mo-fo’s start dissin’ science, I say hell-to-the-NO.


Today I discussed science education with an old high school acquaintance who is now an elementary school teacher. During their class on atoms, a student asked about how two atoms collided and created the universe. WHAT A DUMBASS RIGHT?! Just kidding. However, when she was going to clear things up for the student, she wanted to put things in the context of both her Christian faith and science, as in give both sides of the issue. I politely fucking explained to her that in a public school setting it is EXTREMELY inappropriate to discuss anything other than science. Not even considering the hostile, exclusive environment discussing religion creates, pretending creationism is the least bit valid will only confuse students and cause irreparable harm to their education. Not only that, but it is literally fucking INSANE to believe anything other than science. Science is a bunch of verified facts and believing other things just because you want to (I don’t know where this egotistical attitude comes from) doesn’t make you right. If I believe I am a 50 foot tall purple giraffe, does that necessarily make me a 50 foot tall purple giraffe? Maybe. Nah, it makes me clinically insane. Science is pretty sure I am a person, I think. Anyways, science has never been a choice in your life. It just… is. There is no agreeing or disagreeing. When something is tested and explained, that’s pretty much it. Believing anything else just makes you a wrong person. Are the people who deny the Holocaust heroes just because they fight against the popular opinion of literally everyone else in the world? I just don’t understand these backwards religious attitudes.

In conclusion, take it from a fucking scientist. Eat GMO’s, get vaccinated, and accept things like evolution because people a hundred years ago did and they had cooler facial hair than you. #Christians